KnuckleSammiches

I am thankful for the many amazing friends I currently have in my life, new and old. I am thankful for my health. For my companion. For my (in)sanity. I am thankful for my insecurities, my pain and that dull ache in my chest that is slowly dissipating.

I am thankful for solo Greyhound trips across the country. I am thankful for LIFE. For the smoggy, polluted, city-living air I get to breathe every godamn day. I am thankful for traffic and how it luls me to sleep. I am thankful for the guy who ran the red on St. Patrick and came 2 inches to killing me instantly that one time.

I am thankful for all my hurts, lost treasures and forgotten memories. I am thankful for my gift of writing, for my opinions and for my flawless intuition. I’m thankful for the cat hair filling up my nose. I’m thankful for love, for whom I suffer so much throughout my life. I’m thankful for the man across the street who is so kind to me. I’m thankful for the long stares across traffic between strangers.

I am thankful for long lonely nights, heartache and lying awake wishing you were still beside me. You were right beside me.

I’m thankful for my cooking abilities, for my inherent talent for picking up the wrong ingredients and making things anyway, for being clumsy and terrified at the checkout counter and for always dropping things.

I’m thankful for my anxiety, my fear and my twisted up gut. I’m thankful for the wind. I’m thankful for my amazing sense of finding humor in everything, for my contagious laugh that I adore, and for the smile that makes me so insecure.

I am thankful for my pretty green eyes, my tattoos and my thick ankles that never look right in my shoes. I’m thankful for my shoes, too.

I’m thankful for the internet, for microwaves and World of Warcrack. I’m thankful for Raid Buckets, 50 DKP Minus, wicked looking hoodies and people with Style. I’m thankful for way-too-big-sunglasses, way-too-tall-high-heels and way-too-sexy-sundresses. I’m thankful for you. And for me.

I’m thankful for mashed potatoes, homemade baked goods and the smell of my kitchen. I’m thankful for my view. For all the strangers that I meet for a second every day. For too-cold beers and warm vodka.

I am thankful for pain, and lust, and love. For loneliness, persistence and spontaneity. Hope and doubt. Freedom! And loss. Security and abandonment.

For it is through all of these things, everything, where I find myself. My true self.

I’m not sure why I still feel so connected to you. I haven’t heard from you in a long time. I haven’t seen you in over a year. Every time we speak there’s this static in the air between us, separating us, afraid to touch, but completely drawn closer at the same time.

I think we’re both just afraid.

Or… maybe I’m making mountains out of molehills. Who the fuck came up with that. What a stupid expression. I’ve never even seen a molehill in my life. Are there such things as molehills???

I Googled it… apparently there are.

What was I saying? Oh, right. You. Again. Still.

I’m not sure why, but something about you lingers in my heart. Nobody compares. I think there will always be a part of me that loves you, that clings to your memory. Our memories. We had so little time together. I feel like we were robbed of such an amazing thing. I have never felt so connected through my mind, heart and body before. I moved; you moved. Like magnets.

You never told me, but I think you loved me. I guess that’s why it came as such a shock.

And the sex… Oh God, the Earth shattering sex. I watch sex scenes in movies and smile a wistful smile, knowing that feeling. Reliving each movement. I remember your skin. Your body. I remember holding eye contact the whole time. I remember waking in the middle of the night out of a dead sleep, simultaneously, and reaching for each other at the same moment. How could that be wrong? How could that not be perfectly right? How could a soul be so connected with mine that way… only to be ripped out of my life?

Why can’t I let go of you? It’s been so long. I’ve been alone for so long. I’m tired of doing everything myself. I’m tired of shouldering all this responsibility. I’m tired.

I’m tired of falling asleep curled up to an empty mattress. I want to love and be loved. I want to get married and have babies. I want to explore the world, hand in hand with someone who knows me, loves and accepts me. I want to have arguments and marital problems that I work to solve with someone, only to build something stronger and better. I haven’t been ready for that in 5 years, but I’m ready now. I want it now.

And I can’t, because I can’t let go of you and your fucking memories. I will never understand, I will never know. Part of me is still waiting for you, still looking for you, still reaching for you.

I guess the only thing left to do, is just wait patiently for it to die. I can’t make you come back, or love me. And I won’t chase you. I will just continue to love you, quietly, until something happens.

…how you never cease to transfix and transform me.

you were sitting next to me on a morning bus back to montreal
we watched the cityscape slowly strip away to forest and rebuild itself

You were watching some extremely bloody gangster film on your laptop – such an endearing contrast to your demure, self-conscious presence. If you caught me watching, you angled it towards me almost imperceptibly.
The bus is such a strange place – that I could sleep next to you without even knowing the sound of your voice.
I long for a world with fewer missed connections, and yet I couldn’t say the words to keep this one from happening.

You’re about a thousand times more beautiful than you think you are.

stop checking whether today is the day you’re reached the appropriate standard of looks, because you’ve been beautiful since the day you were born
forget all of this, and me, and try to remember those gorgeous carefree summers spent between you and the sky, when your reflected beauty shining back was all you ever needed

It’s all I’d ever need.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Hey everybody,
I don’t send out emails very often, but I would like to draw your attention to something important to me, and would ask for two minutes of your time. You may or may not have seen me posting a link having to do with Muscular Dystrophy in the last month. On June 5th I will be joining my friend Angel and her friends and family for the Ottawa Walk For Muscular Dystrophy. Angel was diagnosed in 2009, after losing range of motion in both arms. She is 25 years old.

As a high school friend of Angel’s, and a fellow human being, my heart goes out to her dealing with this so young in life. Nobody should have to deal with the pain and fear of a broken body, poor health, and not knowing what kind of state your body will be in next year… Whether you will be able to get through a day without unbearable pain, or losing the ability to do simple things like whistle a tune or pick up your child. If you knew Angel, you would know how much of a warm-hearted, outgoing, beautiful person she is, and how disgusting it is that she should have to suffer with this, without any real way to stop it or even slow it down.

PLEASE HELP if you can by spreading the word, donating (even a DOLLAR helps), or coming out to walk! I don’t do this often, and I’m not even sure when I became a humanitarian, but the point is that we all have a heart that beats and a basic need to feel good and healthy and strong. Please find it in your heart to help out, and even if you can’t or choose not to, thank you for reading this and considering.

CLICK HERE TO DONATE OR USE THIS LINK TO SPREAD THE WORD
http://muscle.akaraisin.com/ottawawalkformusculardystrophy2011/Sammy

MORE INFO:
http://muscle.akaraisin.com/common/Event/AboutUs.aspx?seid=3947&mid=58

Thank you so much for reading
Sammy

ANGEL’S STORY

I was diagnosed with Facioscapulohumeral Muscular Dystrophy in 2009

At age 16 I lost full range of motion in my right arm and didn’t know why. After talking to the doctor we figured I had some sort of injury that would take awhile to repair itself…it never did….then at age 18 I lost the range of motion in my left arm, I was then reffered to a specialist. After seeing that specialist I was told that I may have facioscapulohumeral muscular dystrophy.

I was shocked to say the least, but it had to be confirmed with DNA testing. I saw a few other doctors during the process and there was a lot of sit around and wait. One doctor gave me a little test, asked me if I could whistle, I realized I couldn’t anymore, next I was asked to hold air in my cheeks, I realized I couldn’t, I was asked to walk on my heels, I couldn’t on my left side. All these things I never even realized I couldn’t do anymore and are classic symptoms of those with FSHD.
After waiting around for almost a year for my DNA results to come back, it confirmed I was in the grey zone for FSHD, but the thing is FSHD is genetic. Huh? No one else in my family has this. So we had to begin testing family members. First was my mom, and within 6 months the results came back that she too had FSHD, although she does not demonstrate the classic symptoms. Someone had to pass it to mom, but who? Suddenly my mom remembered my grandmother had lost range of motion in her right arm, but nothing was ever diagnosed.

I have a 50/50% chance of passing this onto my children. I was also told if I want to have kids it is something I will have to do at a younger age because it will take a toll on my body.

If you look at me, you wouldn’t notice anything physically wrong with me unless I showed you that I can’t raise my arms, and when I try to my shoulder blades pop out. I do have a stronger curve in my lower back than a lot of people because when I reach for something I tend to arch my back to reach up this causes my stomach to protrude. My muscles are very weak, in my abdomen which is a result of having FSHD. To top things off I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which affects my joints. Most peoples muscles can be worked out and they can build them up. I will never be able to do that because where my joints meet my muscles, they are like an elastic band. If I over stretch then the “elastic band” stays stretched out and doesn’t go back.

I am now 25 years old and will be 26 in May, I have JUST begun working with a physio therapist two weeks ago to learn different strengthening techniques. There is no “cure” for FSHD nor is there really anything I can do to slow the process down. Over time my muscles will weaken, especially in my face (fasio) shoulders (scapulo) and arms (humeral). A small % of people with FSHD are wheelchair bound as it affects their legs as well.

I want to do this walk for muscular dystrophy so that more research can be done. FSHD is not a well known, many people think there is only one type of muscular dystrophy. But I would like to raise awareness for those who suffer.

Please consider sponsoring me on my walk.

For more information on FSH here are a few links that may intrest you
http://www.muscle.ca/fileadmin/National/Muscular_Dystrophy/Disorders/437E_FSHD_2007.pdf
www.fshsociety.org
Thank you

Angel
www.angelswalk.cjb.net

“Does Dating Have to Be Exclusive?”

By MARY BETH BONACCI

Why is it that if a girl goes out with more than one guy, people look down on her?

One of the most difficult aspects of modern dating is figuring out at what point a
relationship is expected to become “exclusive.” It seems to me that after two or three
dates, two people somehow magically become a “couple,” and a huge “unavailable”
sign appears over each of their heads, warding off all other interested parties.

I was not around in the 1950s, but from what I have heard, they handled dating a little
bit differently. They seem to have recognized that dating is about getting to know
people. If you wanted to get to know someone, you went on a date. If you both wanted
to get to know each other better, you went on more dates. If, in the mean time, there
was someone else you wanted to know, you could go on a date with that person also.
“Going steady,” as it was called back then, was a big step. Agreeing not to date others
was generally accepted as an indication that a couple was seriously considering
marriage. But as long as you had not taken that step, there was nothing socially
unacceptable about dating several different people at once.

Try that today and see what kind of names people call you.
What happened to change things? Sex. It is no big deal to go to dinner and a movie
with someone and then hear that he had dinner and a movie with someone else. It is a
big deal, however, to go to bed with someone and then to hear the he went to bed with
someone else. We are not made to share our sexual partners. Sex speaks a permanent,
exclusive language. Sex says, “You and only you,” not, “you and my date next Saturday
and anyone else I happen meet in the mean time.”

After the sexual revolution, sex outside marriage became acceptable. Dating changed
radically. This permanent bond began to enter temporary dating relationships and
those relationships became much more intense, unstable and painful. Dating at that
point became much more monogamous , or at least there was an expectation that
dating would be monogamous. People who were dating several people at the same
time were assumed to be sleeping with several different people and that still is not
considered socially (or morally) acceptable in many circles. As soon as a couple had
been on two or three dates, it was generally assumed that they would no longer date
others.

The ’50s may not have been perfect, but I believe that we should return to a dating
system which in some ways resembles their system. Dating should be about getting to
know members of the opposite sex. There should be nothing wrong with going on
dates with several different people. Every time you accept a date with someone, it
shouldn’t mean that you can’t date anyone else in the foreseeable future. “Going steady”
should be a big deal. It should imply that a couple is seriously considering marriage. It
shouldn’t just be some kind of “artificial marriage,” taking you out of circulation, tying
you down to someone you probably won’t marry and guaranteeing a painful breakup
down the line.

Of course, if we were going to return to a system like that, we would need to make
some other changes. There could not be sexual activity in dating. You can’t date
multiple people and still engage in sexual activity on those dates. That wouldn’t be
dating, it would be promiscuity. Dating would have to be about talking and getting to
know each other, not about having sex or making out or getting “hot and bothered” in
the back seat of a car. Affection in this kind of dating would have to be limited to hugs
and light kisses.

To return to a system like this would also mean that dating would not be a good place
to “find love” in the short run. If you believe that every new date is someone who will
cure your loneliness and love you unconditionally, this kind of system won’t work for
you. Of course, no system will. Dating is conditional , by definition. It is about dating
and rejecting a lot of different people until you find one with whom you want to spent
the rest of your life. In the mean time, your needs for love, support and companionship
must be met elsewhere , by friends, family and community. Those people will be
around for the long run.

Until there is a ring on your finger, you shouldn’t be relying on dates for love or for
anything but respectful treatment and pleasant conversation. And while you’re dating,
you should be able to enjoy that respectful treatment and pleasant conversation with as
many people as you like.

Don’t get trapped in the “fake marriage” of premature committed relationships. Enjoy
being single for a while.

Bonacci is a frequent lecturer on chastity.

This article appeared in the February 15, 1996 issue of “The Arlington Catholic Herald.”

Courtesy of the “Arlington Catholic Herald” diocesan newspaper of the Arlington (VA)
diocese. For subscription information, call 1-800-377-0511 or write 200 North Glebe
Road, Suite 607 Arlington, VA 22203.

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I let it fall, my heart,
And as it fell, you rose to claim it
It was dark and I was over
Until you kissed my lips and you saved me

My hands, they’re strong
But my knees were far too weak
To stand in your arms
Without falling to your feet

But there’s a side to you
That I never knew, never knew.
All the things you’d say
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.

[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

When I lay with you
I could stay there
Close my eyes
Feel you’re here forever
You and me together
Nothing gets better

‘Cause there’s a side to you
That I never knew, never knew,
All the things you’d say,
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.

[Chorus:]
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Well, it felt something died
‘Cause I knew that that was the last time, the last time!

Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught, must be waiting for you
Even now that we’re already over
I can’t help myself from looking for you.

[Chorus:]
I set fire to the rain,
Watch it pour as I touch your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
‘Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name

I set fire to the rain,
And I threw us into the flames
Well, it felt something died
‘Cause I knew that was the last time
The last time, oh, oh!

Let it burn
Let it burn
Let it burn